ARIES – March 20 – April 19
This month you have the power to make magic happen, Aries! You manifest it, it will become real! Success? Done. Money? Easy. A dump truck full of microwave taquitos? Extremely virtuous.
TAURUS – April 20 – May 20
Take a break, buddy! Taurus, you’ve been working way too hard! Time for a little relaxation! Read a book, maybe 3. Brew some tea, at PRECISELY the right temperature! You’ll show them just how hard you can relax!
GEMINI – May 21 – June 20
You have a secret admirer! But don’t say I told you, Gemini. Really. This has to stay between us. If they find out I’m the mole, it’s gonna be lights out for a long time. Tear out the horoscope section and burn this message.
CANCER – June 21 – July 22
This is a month for healing, Cancer. You’ve been vindicated. All this time, no one believed you but you stuck to your guns. That’s what I like most about you. You never stopped believing that dogs could vote. Congratulations.
 LEO – July 23 – August 22
Woah there, party animal! I see you out here having a wicked time, Leo. Maybe this month, we chill out a bit, brother! Your mom and I were chatting, and we’d like you to join us for a radical family dinner. At least one?
VIRGO – August 23 – September 22
Virgo, you need to be brave! Identify the hopeless cause you’ve been pouring your energy into and abandon it! Abandon ship! Everyone into the lifeboats! The Titanic of your unhealthy relationship just hit an iceberg!
LIBRA – September 23 – October 22
Everything’s bigger with Libra! This is the month to dream big! Instead of spending the typical 25% of your sleep in dreamy REM sleep, go bigger! 100% REM sleep, 100% dreams! Bigger is obviously better.
SCORPIO – October 23 – November 21
Scorpio? More like Scorpi-NO! Speak your mind this month. Bottling things up will only cause a blowout later down the line. You wouldn’t want to carbonate yourself, would you? So if you think no, SAY NO!
SAGITTARIUS – November 22 – December 21
This month you will be someone’s shoulder to cry on, Sagittarius. Your shoulders are strong, but the doctor has recommended you keep them dry. May I offer you these paper towel shoulder pads?
CAPRICORN – December 22 – January 19
You have been frustrated with your situation for a long time, Capricorn. Fear not! This month is full of change… on one condition. You must accept this new direction for your destiny. Frankly? Ya get whatcha get and ya don’t get upset.
AQUARIUS – January 20 – February 18
Hard work will pay off for you, Aquarius. But like, what is work anyways? If you walk uphill to the burger joint, that’s hard work. And then you get a burger afterwards, so that’s payoff. Cool. You can make this happen!
PISCES – February 19 – March 19
Go Pisces, Go! You’re making it happen and inspiring others! If it weren’t for you, Aquarius wouldn’t find their burgers, Leo wouldn’t come home for dinner, and Taurus would never relax! You’re a hero, and don’t forget it.