Horoscopes

ARIES – March 20 – April 19
Authority may test you this month, Arie, but don’t stick it to the man too hard! They’re still the authority. Silent rebellion is sometimes the best. No need to do anything extreme. Yeah… just keep telling yourself that.
TAURUS – April 20 – May 20
Taurus, this is a good time to use your initiative to make real progress! Your self confidence is apparent to others, which can be good or bad. But it’s good! Cause you’re self confident, right?
GEMINI – May 21 – June 20
This month’s solar eclipse looks refreshingly optimistic for you, Gemini! Hey, wait. Refreshingly optimistic? That’s a little bit of shade thrown your way. Get it? Shade? Solar Eclipse? I’ll just see myself out.
CANCER – June 21 – July 22
The focus is on you, Cancer! This is your time! Make a fresh start. Forget last year. You are reborn with a new purpose. You’re a baby. Where’s your mom? Hey, someone? There’s an unattended baby over here!
 LEO – July 23 – August 22
You’ve got a brief moment here, Leo, where your thoughts are clear! Go with your gut, but write all those wild ideas down! Surf and turf dessert! A pen that can scratch your back! Uh… Wait.. moment’s gone. No more ideas.
VIRGO – August 23 – September 22
Now’s the time to make some big changes in your life, Virgo! You won’t find the usual disruption big changes bring. Try a new hairstyle, or changing your last name, or fleeing the country at night in a rented van.
LIBRA – September 23 – October 22
You have good financial fortune in your future, Libra, but you may have to compromise to maintain harmony with family, friends, and… associates. You’ll probably have to make payouts in various amounts.
SCORPIO – October 23 – November 21
Scorpio, good news! Your plans will work out well! Inner calm and balance will come once you’ve finally deposed the rat king who holds court in your mother’s hydrangea bushes. He’s ruled too cruelly, too long.
SAGITTARIUS – November 22 – December 21
Sagittarius, you have a passionate energy that’s well balanced and totally non-aggressive! That’s a great thing to have, unless you’re trying to intimidate someone. Try again next month!
CAPRICORN – December 22 – January 19
You’ll feel pressure from your competitors and superiors this month, Capricorn, and unfortunately there’s not much to be done. Your competitors and superiors are robots that can’t be reasoned with.
AQUARIUS – January 20 – February 18
You’ll feel very rushed this month, Aquarius. The tempo of your life is definitely increasing because you’re literally living in a musical! Learn the song, and sing along, pal!
PISCES – February 19 – March 19
Harmony will come to your relationships. You will be more efficient and productive. You will be happy. You will be promoted. You are success incarnate. You will transcend the grind and expand your mind. Fare thee well, Pisces!