Horoscopes

ARIES – March 20 – April 19
March is a month of work and movement, Aries! Like if you work on getting those radical electric scooters in Red Deer, you’ll help this humble author move around more easily!
Recommended Dipping Sauce: Barbecue, baby
TAURUS – April 20 – May 20
Find new solutions to old problems, Taurus. Get a haircut this month! Any burger joints you’ve been banned from for stealing ketchup won’t recognize you with your new hairstyle!
Recommended Dipping Sauce: As many ketchup packets as you can grab
GEMINI – May 21 – June 20
March looks like a labyrinth, Gemini, but fear not! The further you trudge into the maize, the more you understand it! If you get lost, no sweat you’ll have another chance next March!
Recommended Dipping Sauce: Corn and bean salsa
CANCER – June 21 – July 22
Cancer, March will challenge your backbone, emotionally and physically! If you’re manipulated this month, your aggressor will remove one (1) vertebrae. Trust your instincts and closest friends, lest ye become spineless!
Recommended Dipping Sauce: Whatever comes with your boneless wings
LEO – July 23 – August 22
This is the month to learn something new, Leo! The universe is telling you it’s finally time to put together that acapella doom-jazz fusion quartet and tour the open mic circuit (listed on Page 9)!
Recommended Dipping Sauce: Charcoal aioli
VIRGO – August 23 – September 22
Virgo, March will be a month of forgetfulness. Take the time now to write your name and address on all the tags of your clothing, and maybe the phone number of a responsible adult.
Recommended Dipping Sauce: Roquefor-getful
LIBRA – September 23 – October 22
It’s time to take a pause, Libra. This month, shut down, plug in, and recharge. I’ll be right back… Ok everyone, now that the Libras are sleeping you need to know. They’re all robots!
Recommended Dipping Sauce: 5W-30 Synthetic motor oil
SCORPIO – October 23 – November 21
This is not the month to be overrun by fantasies! Keep yourself grounded! No matter how much you want it, a tribal scorpion tattoo won’t look cool, even though you are a Scorpio!
Recommended Dipping Sauce: Sweet and stinger
SAGITTARIUS – November 22 – December 21
Your appearance is very important this month, Sagittarius. But remember… covering yourself with a blanket and living by the rule “If I can’t see them, they can’t see me.” is totally valid!
Recommended Dipping Cheese: Brie wrapped in pastry
CAPRICORN – December 22 – January 19
Forgive others wherever possible, Capricorn. A scratch in your car might seem world ending, but spend time in nature and all will… wait. Did someone carve initials into that tree?! ARGH!
Recommended Dipping Sauce: Unforgivably hot sauce
AQUARIUS – January 20 – February 18
Don’t be scared, Aquarius, but technology may fail you this month. If you’re reading a paper copy of the Scene, you’re golden! If you’re reading online, stay alert! Computers these days are real shifty!
Recommended Dipping Sauce: Completely analog ranch
PISCES – February 19 – March 19
March may tempt with procrastination, Pisces, but slowly you will achieve your goal. Even if it’s just doing the dishes, finally.Recommended… Whoops, looks like everyone else finished the dips.
You’re cool cleaning up, right? Thanks, bud