Horoscopes

ARIES – March 20 – April 19
December will see you working with perfectionists, Aries, but you can still have fun! Try messing things up on purpose and see how mad they get! Plus, if you actually make a mistake, you can say it was all a prank!
TAURUS – April 20 – May 20
Taurus, you’ll be mixed up in some unexpected events this month and you’ll have to use your natural charm and level-headedness to make compromises. Everyone wins in a compromise, but someone always wins a little more. Make sure it’s you!
GEMINI – May 21 – June 20
This month will be light and pleasant for you, Gemini! Spend time with your family! December will be absolutely perfect, as long as you don’t go in the basement. Please don’t go in the basement. Absolutely nothing will go wrong!
CANCER – June 21 – July 22
Loose lips sink ships, as they say. Your complaining might get you in trouble, Cancer. Be aware of who you vent to, especially about potential weaknesses in ship hulls. I received intel that spies are trying to sink the Red Deer Navy!
 LEO – July 23 – August 22
You will feel a great surge of empathy, Leo! This is the month to find and apologize to the people you have wronged. Like a barista you didn’t tip, or a mysterious stranger on a dark mission whom you cut off in traffic.
VIRGO – August 23 – September 22
Virgo! Learn from your failures! Gaze into DEEP HEAVEN and receive the INTUITION the Planets bestow on you! The GREAT ENERGIES of those impossibly distant and wise orbs… ahem. You’ll know what to do.
LIBRA – September 23 – October 22
December is a powerful month, Libra, and your power comes from family. Spend time with them to recharge your emotional batteries, and maybe your phone’s battery too. Power also means electricity. Avoid high power bills by staying at your parents’.
SCORPIO – October 23 – November 21
Time to get to work, Scorpio. You’ll be successful this month, but you must focus! Some people will question you. “What is truly worthy of your time?”, they’ll ask. Money. Lots of money is worth your time. Let’s get this bread.
SAGITTARIUS – November 22 – December 21
Sagittarius, your opinions matter! Maintain your position, no matter what they say. There are those who would whisper corruption into your ear. Pay them no heed. You’re totally justified in getting a large pizza for yourself.
CAPRICORN – December 22 – January 19
December is the setting for a monumental battle, and Capricorn… it is yours to decide! You must maintain balance in the universe! Christmas Dinner is yours to moderate. Help us Capricorn Kenobi, you’re our only hope!
AQUARIUS – January 20 – February 18
Aquarius, your destiny will show itself this month! You’ll find new work and it will fit you perfectly. Not a job necessarily, but a new purpose. Trust it. Believe in it. Listen for messages in unexpected places. You’ll be guided.
PISCES – February 19 – March 19
Blink and you’ll miss it! December’s gonna blow right by, Pisces. You’re gonna be so busy having fun at all those parties and get-togethers! By the way… you got a plus one to any of those parties? I didn’t get the invite.